Grief / Mirrors

I'm just rethinking about religion this morning and needing to get back into my "peaceful" place. In my book, Circles in the Sand, I talk on how the deserts of Arabia were my own reflection of myself as well as all the religions I have personally tried in order to be seen as okay by God and family--which never has happened btw!

I'm in a funk because my born again sister, who SO totally doesn't get me and continually says exactly the same--that I don't get her... and so, stalemate all because of bloody religious dogmas.

I've tried to pull myself away from the constant bombardment of what a sinner I am and thought I was well on my way into that spiritual zone of nirvana... but after receiving another punch-to-the-gut response by me to her--in what I thought was a love/peace and "please understand me" attempt AGAIN, I have to crawl out of grief and into "that place" where I have found love...because she came back with such a barrage of ANGER.

It's true--I have contempt for religion but let me say, religion brought me to "spirituality" and so I must thank my "enemy" for showing me the way to light. Spirituality, by-the-way, ain't no walk in the park at times. One is even more accountable because the journey is an inside job -- it's all about changing ME versus changing my outer experiences. If I say I choose to be accountable and own "shit," -- well, there's just nowhere to hide anymore.

My book was a purging and cleansing but I mistakenly hoped to be "heard" by my family. I truly thought I had grown away from that "need" and so... I now must choose "who I want to be within this moment" and let me say, it's hard not to want to be enraged, sorrowful, and scared and sad and giving up on the whole gameplan. That's why I'm again purging, possibly to myself, possibly to others should they see this blog, and whichever the case, it's for me to find me and get me back into that peaceful zone of love, understanding, compassion, forgiveness... that's spirituality for me.

Being raised Catholic, having born again sibs, and the constant bonbardment of abuse--I thought was far behind me {I never thought I had to cry a few more tears but clearly, I do}.

Funny, my original title for this BLOG was:
Mirror Images are Identical... {Catholic/Muslim} Hello! Another PINK ELEPHANT in the house!.
I was sharing about the POPE and the audacity to change "God's mind" about little unbaptized babies being saved suddenly. Another mirror image you see -- Religion to me is NUTZ and here we are, mirroring out to Muslims about them, rather than looking at ourselves!!

...which brought me to {because I've been in the Middle East so much and had such an out of body experience--sitting at the Wailing Wall--about Christianity, Islam, and Judaism all merging on this one tiny corner in the city of Jerusalem... enough "merging" to cause war after war. And millions of us believe this is God's will. I know it may be hard to stick with me on this purge BUT, I'm hoping that somewhere inside it will make some sense--to YOU but mostly, to ME.

BUT in truth, it's about grief and mirroring for my own life:
: Mirroring the desert as a metaphor for my past life
: Mirroring me not being heard to my sister feeling the same
: Mirroring anger

Mirror Mirror on the Wall--who's the fairest of us all?
Wouldn't it be so cool to say WE ARE ALL THE FAIREST AND MOST BEAUTIFUL… BE-YOU-ti-FULL!!!

I think I am finally back in "that place" where I can go meditate while sitting "in the middle of Manhatten" {metaphysically-speaking}

: Mirroring LOVE and FORGIVENESS

As John Lennon said... I M A G I N E