After reading Neale's message from his site, I had to write to him and anyone who was drawn to read my blog -- it feels very cathartic.
To my precious Neale et al everyONE. This is the first message I've read this new morning after going to bed hearing that my mother is dying, probably quite soon. I had initally heard two weeks ago and have been thinking, "How can I get ahold of Neale...how can I ask him for ten-minutes of his time?"
And, as I needed his love and ONEness when he came to Victoria, BC for 5-days, so he came again this morning.
You see "et al," I have been "out" of my family for years. In fact, it is Neale's being a vessel of God's love that was the first time ever I came out of fear of life, of death, of being an abomination to God, of hell, of disownment, and on and on.
I'm not promoting but "my story" that I need to lay down is written in my book, Circles in the Sand. Please see
www.samadhiwhitehouse.writerswebpages.com if you feel I could help or connect with you or vise-a-versa.
I've realized that I have seen my parents literally a handfull of times in 20-years. I was told by my inner voice to go to their apartment to forgive them and I did--meaning I had no script, no preparation, so no-ONE was ONE-up on the other. That was ten-years ago. My father died two-months later. My mother blamed me for his "love," and here we are... I have to forgive my mother.
The last contact with my mother was when she sent a letter with pictures of two young women; one a bride and the other a bridesmaid... as I read the letter, life went into slow motion. One of those girls was my birthdaughter whom I was forced to surrender. My mother found her without my permission or knowing; in fact, some of my siblings helped her. My mother did not tell me which one was she; and actually met her. Upon meeting her, my birthdaughter asked about me; asked why there were no pictures; and my mother simply replied before moving on, "We don't approve of her lifestyle." And hence, I have turned and left my family, after a lifetime of sorrow--that was too much. In fact, I had already had one heart surgery and here I was after a few years of this news, needing to have a second heart surgery... all before the age of 50!
So, you can see why I have been consuming books like Happier Than God and others...desperately trying to understand how to forgive; how to write, knowing that I cannot talk to my mother.
I too, even though I'm Canadian, felt Tim's family's loss but my sadness came from a father who beamed and radiated love and when I saw him on Larry King, he beamed and radiated love towards his father, his son, and his life. His essence was love.
So, to my friend "in the space of the room in Victoria" and forever, I thank you Neale for reminding me and giving me a little push towards writing that letter that I must also live my day in the NOW and get past the hurts of the human experience and step into the love of the spiritual experience. I am a co-creator of life and so, I believe somehow that your words will further penetrate my heart and soul and give me a free-falling of love as I just begin..just stop thinking and create movement with pen and paper and FOR-god's sake-GIVE my mother, my family, and my own journey.
I know what it feels like to be aware of the ticking of ONE's heartbeat but together, we can calm our hearts, be still, and love NOW in the safety of love. YOU have taught me that when my heart gets the better of me {palpitations, fear...} -- it is through you that I have learned to speak quietly to my own self and say, "I AM safe no matter what happens in this moment...I AM safe and not alone." Thank you Neale. Thank you and may your heart beat to the rhythym of love and life for as long as your journey has chosen to be here, teaching, training, guiding US. I love you Mr. Walsch!
