Death, Forgiveness, Mother, Neale Donald Walsch, Heart, Love

After reading Neale's message from his site, I had to write to him and anyone who was drawn to read my blog -- it feels very cathartic.

To my precious Neale et al everyONE. This is the first message I've read this new morning after going to bed hearing that my mother is dying, probably quite soon. I had initally heard two weeks ago and have been thinking, "How can I get ahold of Neale...how can I ask him for ten-minutes of his time?"
And, as I needed his love and ONEness when he came to Victoria, BC for 5-days, so he came again this morning.
You see "et al," I have been "out" of my family for years. In fact, it is Neale's being a vessel of God's love that was the first time ever I came out of fear of life, of death, of being an abomination to God, of hell, of disownment, and on and on.

I'm not promoting but "my story" that I need to lay down is written in my book, Circles in the Sand. Please see www.samadhiwhitehouse.writerswebpages.com if you feel I could help or connect with you or vise-a-versa.

I've realized that I have seen my parents literally a handfull of times in 20-years. I was told by my inner voice to go to their apartment to forgive them and I did--meaning I had no script, no preparation, so no-ONE was ONE-up on the other. That was ten-years ago. My father died two-months later. My mother blamed me for his "love," and here we are... I have to forgive my mother.

The last contact with my mother was when she sent a letter with pictures of two young women; one a bride and the other a bridesmaid... as I read the letter, life went into slow motion. One of those girls was my birthdaughter whom I was forced to surrender. My mother found her without my permission or knowing; in fact, some of my siblings helped her. My mother did not tell me which one was she; and actually met her. Upon meeting her, my birthdaughter asked about me; asked why there were no pictures; and my mother simply replied before moving on, "We don't approve of her lifestyle." And hence, I have turned and left my family, after a lifetime of sorrow--that was too much. In fact, I had already had one heart surgery and here I was after a few years of this news, needing to have a second heart surgery... all before the age of 50!
So, you can see why I have been consuming books like Happier Than God and others...desperately trying to understand how to forgive; how to write, knowing that I cannot talk to my mother.
I too, even though I'm Canadian, felt Tim's family's loss but my sadness came from a father who beamed and radiated love and when I saw him on Larry King, he beamed and radiated love towards his father, his son, and his life. His essence was love.
So, to my friend "in the space of the room in Victoria" and forever, I thank you Neale for reminding me and giving me a little push towards writing that letter that I must also live my day in the NOW and get past the hurts of the human experience and step into the love of the spiritual experience. I am a co-creator of life and so, I believe somehow that your words will further penetrate my heart and soul and give me a free-falling of love as I just begin..just stop thinking and create movement with pen and paper and FOR-god's sake-GIVE my mother, my family, and my own journey.
I know what it feels like to be aware of the ticking of ONE's heartbeat but together, we can calm our hearts, be still, and love NOW in the safety of love. YOU have taught me that when my heart gets the better of me {palpitations, fear...} -- it is through you that I have learned to speak quietly to my own self and say, "I AM safe no matter what happens in this moment...I AM safe and not alone." Thank you Neale. Thank you and may your heart beat to the rhythym of love and life for as long as your journey has chosen to be here, teaching, training, guiding US. I love you Mr. Walsch!

May you be WELL/ FREE from suffering / HAPPY {Buddha}
YOU must be the change you wish to see in the world {Ghandi}
Samadhi, author/workshops & Facilitator, The Passion Test
www.samadhiwhitehouse.writerswebpages.com / http://circlesinthesandbysamadhiwhitehouse.blogspot.com/

: Now I know why surgery has been on my mind

Wow, have you ever seen a subject line on an email and just know that you don't want to open it? That you hope it's a joke? This is the second one in my life...

My web "master" as he loves to be called -- but I more often call him "my-brotha-from-anotha-motha" because he's wonderful, a mentor, a teacher, a former internationally bestselling author, has movie rights {bidding} to one of his books, loves his partner Diane, has babies with four legs and long tails -- horses.

On Diane's birthday a few months back, he went for "the money shot," jumped over a fence and seriously injured himself. He had to have surgery last Friday and he and I spent the week sharing emails about preparing for surgery, reminding him about enjoying every moment of life... because nowa'days, you do not sleep in hospital the night before surgery--you walk in off the street, put a gown on, and walk to the O.R.

I think I may have been the only outside friend who shared and listened to him share--he said he really appreciated it and felt totally peaceful. He and Diane went out for a delicious dinner the night before, as did Lorraine and I the night before my surgery... I told him I was proud of him because he was able to enjoy that night and the beauty of a moment in time, rather than being in a hospital bed, alone and getting scareder and scareder.

I called him mon'bro and he called me little'sis... I know I was "high maintenance" because I wanted a beautiful web site and was always asking for something.

I emailed him late last night, thinking a week was long enough not to bug them and I asked how he enjoyed the anaesthesia, tripping off in the cosmos, and had he come back into his body yet... his partner Diane told me he passed away. He had surgery and in the evening, had a cardiac arrest; they never got to him quick enough... he was on life supports until Sunday or Monday and then that was it... he tripped right out of the cosmos into the "back of beyond." I feel like I've lost my brother, my friend, my guy who knew the business, my fan, my support.... today has been so sad. Lorraine {my partner} and I went to the ocean and walked around all day, needing to be close to MotherEarth. Lorraine helped me--reminded me--to change "death" to "passage through to the next journey."

Amazing how we are often preparing for something but don't know it's coming. He didn't see this coming and neither did I or Diane... only his spirit knew. I guess this was a fulfillment of Morey's destination for this trip, and he will move onward and upward. Phew again... I am so sad--he was into physics and he would always say, "quantum physics," but I would say, "spiritual energy." Now he knows and I think I heard him and felt his presence today as I stood on a bluff... I think I felt him say "Hey..."

I don't know how to replace my guy and a whole new web site and relationship with someone; everyone knows that site is where to go but Diane can't sustain it. She said she wanted to mail me the money for the year's membership and that Morey would want me to have it but I decided to ask her to give it to a charity he would love... I don't want it. I want my biggest fan--I cannot imagine Diane's grief but all I can do is send her love and spirit wings to hold her and cocoon her while she gets through this.

So.... I guess that is why so much "dying, illness, death" has been in my head and my heart.

Everybody -- take a moment to really feel this moment. Love life. Life strong and with happiness. The oddest thing is that "death" is the most visible commonality between every living thing and person, and yet, we just don't get it that it could happen tomorrow... until it does.

I'm changing with each tick of the second hand and every beat of my heart--I am bringing myself closer and closer into that cocoon where I am safe, even if I don't get the full mysteries of life....

Namaste -- go hug someone today!! Go on now...I'm gonna!!