Forgiveness, Inner Child, Meditation, Thankfulness

Forgiveness to share

As I turned on my PC one morning, and said to myself, “I’ll meditate later..” -- I knew I was lying. Proudly, I stopped and sat in my meditation chair with a nice cup of thankfulness and gratitude. As I dreamed of wanting to be an inspirational teacher, I opened up my bible--Conversations With God. Only this time, it was Book Three, which I have never read. Book One has never failed to speak directly to my issues at hand. I open to a page and there it is, an understanding from the Divine. So, it was a pleasant surprise when Book Three did the same. Having just gotten it on library loan, I hadn’t opened it yet and so, as I’m being thankful for all that I have learned, especially forgiveness, I pondered how speaking and creating a “global” readership of my book, Circles in the Sand, was going to be created… with only a droplet of self-doubt lingering in the background. Opening the book, I read:

God: [after asking the author what his vision of himself was]
A person does not have to be widely known to be a great teacher. You went where all great teachers go. To your own wisdom::: your own truth. That is the place to which you must always go, for it is the place you must turn around and come from as you teach the world::: You know the truth of it in your heart::: You are not boasting::: bragging::: you are opening your heart.

Wow! Again, words spoken directly to my heart. All I have to do is stay true to my highest and grandest thought of who I choose to be.

That led me directly backwards, to take a moment to think about the lives that I have already touched. To think of how people--mostly women--have cried, shared, and been inspired that there is healing, forgiveness--there is light.

If you had told me that I would reach this point in life where I can now say I am a child of God, of the Divine, of love… and that I made it through the darkness of fear and hatred right into the arms of spiritual love, I myself would not have believed it.

And that brought me to thinking of our inner child… and then I remembered a young girl who stood at my booth where I was promoting Circles in the Sand for the first time at the Body, Soul, and Spirit Expo in Calgary. She stood off to the side, listening to me talk to some women, and when they left, we found ourselves alone, looking at each other quietly. As we talked, I shared with her how life can be scary and how it has taken me a lifetime to be able to love myself, although I was the “black sheep” of my family; I was “the girl in high school who got ‘caught’.” She quietly said she had anxiety. I told her what I did when I had anxiety-- that I had to remind myself that each time I felt anxious, I always survived--so if she could just hang on, knowing it will end and believing she has angels with her. I understood her peer pressure and the need to fit in and be “cool.” She nodded her head. I shared how scared I was to be standing at this booth, by myself, having written a book that divulged so many of my darkest secrets and sorrows… until one stranger said to me, “Thank you for being our voice. Thank you for having the courage.”
As I continued sharing with this little girl, I felt I was out-of-body, as if I was standing at my side, listening in on the conversation. I told her how that lady was like an angel and made me feel strong and I said maybe she--the little girl--could also be the one to stand alone and speak on behalf of all her friends who were undoubtedly as afraid as she was in trying so hard to be cool and having to step into a world that would slowly eat at their self-worth… at such a young age. At 51, I remembered and she and I were like one. I saw the sparkle in her eyes as she understood that I was afraid but still chose to stand within my power and that she too, could take a chance and do the same… Who was that little girl? I don’t know but this morning, again we spoke, only it was spirit-2-spirit. I upheld her in God’s love.

There I sat--full circle in my thoughts…

A person does not have to be widely known to be a great teacher. You went where
all great teachers go. To your own wisdom. To your own truth. That is the place
to which you must always go, for it is the place you must turn around and come
from as you teach the world::: You know the truth of it in your heart::: You are
not boasting::: bragging::: you are opening your heart.

Namaste

Youth With A Mission.... and me--a personal experience

Youth With A Mission - a personal journey

You know, I was in “YWAM” trying desperately to not be me. When I wrote Circles in the Sand, for some reason I chose to leave out the name of my “death camp” -- and I mean that with all due respect and in relativity to my life’s journey. YWAM was death to self and rebirth to Christ--but the judgemental journey destroyed my spirit, leaving me feeling even more abominable to God than I had already been judged by family. I don’t know why I “protected” the name of an abuser? As strong as that sounds, all fundamental/judgemental/dogma and religious fervor that refuses any possibility outside of a book is an abuse of ALL that we have surrounding us--galaxy upon galaxy / ancient civilization / a soul that speaks to each of us.

And now, murder and suicide and questions of YWAM being a cult. I don't think they are a cult because they let their members go. Although they certainly tried to strip me down--even the way I worshipped God disturbed them -- I think "extremist" "fundamentalist" is what Youth With A Mission is. Cult-ish in that they believe nothing outside of the Bible and being saved by Christ.

In my other blogging/journaling I see a common theme of how life "mirrors" back to each of us and I find it fascinating that the Islamic faith is greatly feared and "cult-ish" on our side of the planet BUT on the other side, you can look through the mirror and see a reflection of the exact same fundamentalist-extreme surge of belief and doctrine. They stand soul-2-soul outside of one chooses physical murdering of "infidels" while the other chooses "judgement and death of Spirit" to the "infidels" who do not receive Christ as the ONLY way to salvation and heaven. This is MY take; my experience; my journey... I hope if anyone is struggling with a forced need to change {ie: being gay is of the devil} -- please give a New Spirituality some thought. Perhaps "God" as he has been defined is much, much, much more than fear....perhaps she is LOVE!

As I struggled to survive a year with Youth With A Mission {plus another 3-month stint}, I was greeted by my family with another surprise…I was kidnapped by an ex-Moonie who attempted to deprogram me for 13-hours, all-inclusive with windows being boarded up, not being allowed to go to the bathroom, being manhandled, desperately trying to escape…. until finally the jerk with a major chip on his shoulder declared me sane! Come to think of it, that’s more than YWAM did--they thought I was possessed by demons, just as they believe this murder/suicide is of the devil…as is everything and everyone who does not declare Jesus as their saviour.

I think I have to go “The Work” by Byron Katie -- www.thework.com because I obviously have some more forgiving to do…. Such feelings of anger are reappearing for a worldwide organization that tried to change every thing about me in an attempt to make me acceptable in the eyes of God. It’s so mindblowing and I am so deeply thankful that I had an outlet to write about my journey through religion… my heart feels such sorrow for these deaths.

I want to say to any one who is struggling because they are trying to be in a religious-anything…YOU are beautiful -- that’s BE-YOU-ti-FULL exactly as you are as long as you come from a place of love--we need accountability and boundaries because we are not quite evolved to think BIG. Go within and ask the universe/Spirit/the Divine {we’ve become afraid to use “God” because of the misuse of his name}--ask quietly to be shown your soul, your heart, your love and know that you are safe being who you are.

Yes, YWAM gave me an opportunity to see much of the world; to allow me to help Lebanon as Israel invaded and interestingly, the Middle East became a metaphor of my life--but the one thing YWAM didn’t give was LOVE. They went as far as to bring me to the “casting away of demons” room because they felt Satan dwelled within. And we think Islam is wild!

I just sit by the ocean and feel myself drifting out of this galaxy and into the universe and looking back from God’s view…how un-evolved we are. It just feels so easy to LOVE but we have been innately taught that we are born into sin and with that being our starting gate, how do we crawl into self-love and then pay it forward?

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE ….all we need is LOVE! I once asked my “twin-angel,” precious niece Tempest what she thought “God” meant and she looked at me as if I was crazy to ask because it was so simple an answer. Her wise old soul spoke through her 6-year-old body as she shrugged her shoulder in pity that I even needed to ask and said, “LOVE!” as if there was no other thought or word or dogma or religion or book that had to tell her what her soul already knew…. L O V E!